four-point snapshot.

some thoughts of late.  wanted to post them to the blog, then came up with this four-point fill-out form thingee whilst doing the ’strangest thing’.  who knows — maybe it will become a high countries regular.  leave a comment if you turn it into an entry of your own.

in the last week, what was…

the most frustrating thing? jones has the habit of bursting in the door, yelling “JAIM!” just as i’m laying an almost-asleep ezra into the crib.  without fail, wakes ez up every time.

the strangest thing? for whatever reason, ezra has been crabby during feeding time recently, and the only thing that will calm him down is if i walk around the house while nursing him.  i get so caught up in doing random, one-handed things while he’s eating that i wouldn’t be surprised if i answered the door like that, without thinking about it.

the most endearing thing? jones and his version of “come thou fount.”  took bryan and i awhile to figure out what he was singing, but after the third verse (!!!), we got it.  he listens to it every night on a lullaby cd we have in his room, and apparently he has his own little version memorized.

a new discovery? i have had a few sips (perhaps half-a-cup?) of coffee recently, only to get totally sleepy 20 minutes later.  like “put-me-in-bed-NOW” sleepy.  my body chemistry must’ve changed or something, because i feel like ever since getting pregnant with ezra, i’ve been having much more pronounced reactions to things in my diet.

potty break.

jones is in the toilet, “hiding” (read “pooping his pants”), so i thought i’d take the chance to write a little while i had it.  (by the by, here in japan the toilets have their own little room, which is quite convenient, not to mention more sanitary. and if i don’t clean it, the rest of the bathroom doesn’t suffer! love it.)

we move to a new house a week from today.  things have been so crazy, i’ve scarcely had a moment to ponder and say goodbye to the scenes around me before they’ve been wrapped up and packed into boxes.  i think i took a few pictures.  i hope a took a few pictures.  at this point in life, i’m sort of banking on my memory to color the adult lives of my boys, as i haven’t been able to do much in the way of scrapbooking or picture-taking.  i’m more inclined toward words, anyhow.  and i have kept up a journal for each boy, however sparse the entries.

i asked God to wake me up this morning, and He did.  (i don’t know why i was surprised.)  baby ez was the alarm, but he went right back to sleep, so i was able to come downstairs and start some coffee that i couldn’t drink before the rest of the house was up.  needing some guidance in my times in the bible, i got a few lessons into a beth moore study on the psalms of ascent about 10 months ago.  i pulled it out again today, hoping to finish it this time.  i looked at psalm 122 today, and thought about peace, about jerusalem, about Christ weeping over the city.

potty break is up.  i can hear jones yelling, “jaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiim!!!” — which he’s taken to calling me recently.  i thought it was cute first, but now i think i object to the sound of my name on my almost-three-year-old’s lips.  the more he says it, the less respectful it seems.  i prefer “mama”.

here’s to boxes around the house, poopy pants, and early mornings with a cute baby as an alarm.

imperfect mom.

i think i’m yearning to be a kind of mother who doesn’t exist — the perfect one.  sometimes a picture or story can make me think she actually exists, and since i’m not her, i begin to feel like i must be the only one who struggles to keep her cool. you know her — the mom who is always happy and never reluctant to sacrifice, who is never weary or frustrated, who doesn’t yell at the walls when she’s overwhelmed or slam doors when she can’t take it anymore. the one who doesn’t have tantrums right alongside her three year old.  the one who can handle all the stress, crying, bad attitudes, sleeplessness, missed naps, bodily fluids, and high energy with a sparkle in her eye and a skip in her step.  i bet she exists in your mind, too, and she’s always there, a rod against which you measure all your failures.

what a lie i’m telling myself, that i must be sinless to be a good mom.  that i can never fail.  certainly, my failures are ugly.  they are sin, and sin is never good or productive.  but the thought that God won’t be able to redeem my sin, especially those that affect my children, is a lie.  as one who is easily overwhelmed by guilt and self-pity, i have recently been working on confessing when i feel guilty rather than just sitting in it and sulking.  perhaps one of the hardest things to confess is when i feel annoyed by my child — i absolutely loathe that feeling, and it makes me feel like a really baaaaaad mom.  what mom is annoyed by a little three year old? the imperfect one, i suppose — which, i’m discovering, just happens to be EVERY mom.

this job is rough.  it shows me the things deep in my heart, the things i’d rather keep hidden. O Lord, help me to love the light — in it, my sins can be exposed and i can be made clean. You are my hiding place — don’t let me hide elsewhere.

post-script.

just minutes after my last post, jones became a little too loud in his bedroom and i got him up. we have some construction going on in our house at the moment, and he’s too interested to sleep. this prompted a few more “somethings” to add to the list:

• 2o minutes of alone time without a toddler is better than none at all!
• decaf coffee is better than NO coffee.

just sayin..

something is better than nothing.

that has been my mantra lately.  i’m a perfectionist — i’d rather not do the job at all if i can’t do it well. but this doesn’t translate well to many things in young motherhood — the job must still be done, whether i have the energy or time for the full job or not.  this season of life is teaching me so much.. like how to slow down, how to give up my desire for perfection and live as i’m able to live, how to acknowledge my neediness, how to persevere, how to be faithful despite tiredness.  i have often been discouraged by not being able to exercise 30 minutes every day, or spend an hour praying, or fold all the laundry in one sitting rather than a pair of socks here and a shirt there.  the following are little thoughts i’ve been thinking lately as i’ve gone about my day, wanting my thinking patterns to be changed.. (as well as the actual ‘doing’!)

• haphazardly folded laundry is better than laundry still in the basket.
• reading one verse from the Bible is better than going the whole day without having read it.
• 10 minutes of exercise, with a toddler tagging along, is better than no exercise at all.
• taking vitamins once in a great while is better than never. (i can never seem to remember.)
• a simple, uncreative meal is better than no meal at all.
• a little sleep is better than no sleep. (though this one really doesn’t make me feel much better, ha!)
• pancakes made with water are better than no pancakes at all.
• two kids, though they wear me out, are SO MUCH BETTER than no kids.

what are the “something is better than nothing”s for your season of life?

a little piece of me.

i’ve been struggling lately. i’m tired. i’m overwhelmed. i’m human. i want real communion with God, but my pride reminds me how utterly weird it is to be in love with Something you can’t see. i also think about the times i’ve had such sweet fellowship with the Lord, and they were times when i had much freedom — which is so NOT now in my life. so i shove the desire away.

well, shove it away often enough, and it will leave your heart for good.  your life will turn dull, lose its luster, and you’ll yearn for the desire again.  then you’ll feel bad because you ’should’ yearn for God and not the desire for God.  you play mind games. you entertain lies. you don’t remember what’s true.

i feel like that’s where i am right now. i want the relationship that corrie ten boom writes about in ‘the hiding place.’ i want to love him and sing to him. i want to quit thinking about my pride, quit attempting to make myself clean, quit trying to change my own heart.  i want to let go. i long for lasting change, not a life of dryness with short spurts of real thirst and real satisfaction.

this is the furthest i’ve gotten at this moment.  i wrote a short poem about it today. i’m sharing that piece of me with you.

___________________________

sunshine dances on my floor,
but my heart is dark.

i pour hot coffee,
sit, think, sip.
heat wisps off the top and
loses itself in the cold air,
vanishing.
gone, no traces left,
like my desire.

i want to want You,
there is so much in the way.
i can’t clean up fast enough,
and i know its not even my job.

i avoid You.

i see the end of myself approaching
and i hope its fast.
my eyes are weary,
my bones are dry,
and i need water.

twist of fate.

in the o’donnell house, we have pancakes every saturday morning. i love pancakes. naturally, i wasn’t too stoked about the whole no-milk thing and wanted to figure out a way to make pancakes without milk (or soymilk — soy bothers baby too! or almond/rice milk — not available here).  SO.  i took my usual recipe and made a few random, on-the-fly changes one saturday morning, and as it turns out, they were the BEST banana pancakes we’ve ever eaten.  i love them.  they are really thick, which i enjoy.  here’s the super simple recipe for those interested.

accidental banana pancakes:
1 cup flour (1/2 ww 1/2 white, if you do that sort of thing..)
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt

mix these together in a bowl and add this to flour mixture:
1 egg
3 previously frozen bananas, thawed, with juices

mix together and add water to desired consistency.

NO MILK. NO OIL. MINIMUM INGREDIENTS. and also TASTY!!!! i was stoked. hope you are too.

kids music, take two.

WOW. i feel like i stumbled upon a whole new world of GOOD kids music! here are a few follow-up suggestions:

• snacktime :: barenaked ladies (thanks miranda! catchy lyrics)
• it’s a big world :: renee & jeremy (mother/father team, folksy)
• catch the moon :: lisa loeb (a few multicultural tunes — even a japanese one!)
• a family album :: the verve pipe (remember “the freshman”? same group.. good rock music.)
• the johnny cash children’s album :: johnny cash (if you like his music, you will LOVE this!)
• here i am! & more please! :: caspar babypants (weird name, but good music.)
• nappers delight :: dean jones (GOOD stuff!)
• (various) :: there might be giants (thanks bethany!)
• (various) :: elizabeth mitchell (folksy and soft)
• (various) :: frances england (same-type — folksy and soft)
• (various) :: dan zane (another guitar guy, repetitive and interesting)
• for the kids :: various artists (like barenaked ladies, cake, guster, and tom waits..)
• play :: various artists (some good dance music.. upbeat. techno included!)

other ones i found: peter himmelman, the sippy cup, recess monkey

gotta go, crying babes wanting to go outside

(ps – i sincerely apologize for how my reviews are lacking in good vocabulary.. two kids.. you know how it goes.)

kids music.

i would like to point your attention to the sidebar for a newly added link — kids music that rocks. i found this blog just the other day while searching for some new music for jones.  i LOATHE children’s CDs — the ones with nothing but a choir of singing kids, one well-meaning adult, and bad music. ick. i’m eager to give a few of their recommendations a listen.  in the meantime, here are our favorite adult-friendly kid albums.

• slugs, bugs, & lullabies :: andrew peterson & randall goodgame love these guys. they are amazing songwriters, so as you can imagine, the songs are quite entertaining. bryan and i cracked up the first time we listened to it.  jones’s favorite is ‘tractor tractor’.
• one :: the beatles not much to be said –  famous tunes that are catchy enough for a kid to love.  jones’s favorites are ‘yellow submarine’ and ‘day tripper’.
• deliberate kids :: phil joel just found this album, but its already a favorite around here.  very upbeat and fun to dance to with a little guy (if he decides he’s in a dancing mood — if he doesn’t want to dance, nobody dances!).  jones loves ‘good morning.’
• seeds family worship i have really enjoyed this music! songs taken directly from scripture. a few are weird, but they are great for remembering God’s Word.  my favorite is ‘better than life’ — haven’t been able to figure out which ones jones likes yet.

happy listening, mommies! (and daddies!)

questions. for no one in particular.

• do babies with predictable biorhythms exist? if not, why do they write books about these mythical beings? it’s quite a let down for us mommies.  if they DO exist, they don’t live in my house.
• what could be better on a rainy day than movies? for toddler and for mama. (ahhhh.. i almost forgot quietness existed during the daylight hours!)

sidenote:  babies are a lot of work. but very very VERY cute. i’m happy and tired. that’s all.