I just sent out an update the other day, talking about how encouraged I was with language learning — and then the past two days have been the complete opposite.  I feel tired.  I feel behind.  I feel like I can’t remember anything and that learning Japanese is like entering Mordor, climbing mountains and scaling rocky walls, meeting enemies, all the while wishing I was somewhere else.  I am so glad that I don’t feel this way every day, that there are times of reprieve and encouragement.  Today, though, I feel as if there is this heavy burden and I’m too tired to lift it anymore — there are a million tasks to be done, but I lack the will for them.  Hoping the next “jump” comes quickly..

This afternoon, Bryan and I went out on a “date” to talk budget — so thrilling and romantic! But for us, coffee = date, no matter what we’re talking about. We were both thoroughly pooped by the end of the THREE HOUR paper-sorting, number-crunching, money-discussing, future-planning, goal-making session. But it was extremely relieving for me to put numbers on paper and get a sense for the big picture of our finances, now that we’re in Japan. Excel is calling my name and begging me to type it all in, whispering that my “J” will be appeased if everything is organized in neat, little lines. But I just can’t. I want to, but I can’t. Too tired.. so we’re going to reward our responsible selves with an old Indiana Jones flick (which many Japanese people reference when we tell them Jones’s name).

.. and maybe a cookie. Or two.

Sidenote: I have some updates from the last post, I’ll write later — but good things are happening, God is good to me!

With four months in Japan behind us, the dust is beginning to settle. I don’t see pictures of all the “used to be’s” in my mind anymore. Being in the house with me is no longer a daily roller-coaster ride (just when I’m PMSing now — I’m sure Bryan’s glad for the reprieve!). I don’t pine away for our first visit home — I’m excited for it, but I don’t feel desperate. (It’s not for another 1.5+ years, so this is good news.)

Though feeling more acclimated to life certainly has its perks, I’m really missing something about the sadness. I miss Jesus. I looked at Him so differently while I was sad and frustrated, it was so much easier to come to Him when I was needy. Of course, I know how all this sounds. And its true — if I were to have my druthers in life, ‘easy’ would always be the way I choose. Even as I say that, though, something deep inside me resonates with the opposite, which is the only real Truth: all good things require blood, sweat, and tears. I’m into the “sweat” part now — being disciplined and obedient to get into the Bible, though it doesn’t make me feel smart or pretty. I hate that about the Bible. I am afraid of the Bible. I don’t want to read the Bible. But somehow, I know that the key to what my heart longs for is waiting for me there. What am I waiting for? The truth is, I am always needy, most especially when I don’t realize so. I am missing out on great things because I am afraid! What silliness. I’m afraid I’ll open the Bible to read it, and it will turn out to be just like any other book, only more complicated and boring. I can’t believe I still feel this way, even after recalling all the times in my life that God has stepped out for me, has pursued me and found me huddling in the corner, has been faithful.. faithful even to reveal Himself in His Word. Ever since I began walking with God, I have constantly battled reading the Bible — after surviving my parent’s divorce, after breaking up with boyfriends, after starting a new life, after stepping out in faith and fundraising thousands of dollars and packing up our first home and leaving family and flying across the BLOOMING OCEAN! The BIBLE! The issues are STILL THERE! They’re beginning to make me angry.

I so want this part of my life to change and am trying to make steps toward it — a while back, I wrote to the mamas, asking about breastfeeding and spanking and rising before your kids. I’ve finally been able to do it — Bryan and I, most days, get up an hour or more before Jones wakes up. I was thrilled by this. Then I would sit. I would look at the Bible. I would get up and make coffee. I would stand across the room with my mug in my hand and look at the Bible. I would journal and look at the Bible. I would ask Bryan a question. I would make some toast. I would look at the Bible, and maybe I would finally open it up. I would flip through a few pages, wondering, “How in the heck am I supposed to know where to go? How will I know when I get there? Which passages will provide light, encouragement, worship?” Then I would close the Bible, feeling at a complete and utter lost. This, with a few exceptions, has been my experience with the Bible. Just the fact that I experience such difficulty in opening it proves to me that therein lies something very important.

*Sigh* This post turned out differently than I was originally intending, but typing all this felt very relieving. Looking back, over the last several seasons of my life, I have been on the cusp of admitting all this, but I always wondered if my problem was perhaps just circumstantial. After all, I had a lot going on in life, a lot of major changes — my quick engagement to Bryan (five weeks of dating), a busy time of wedding planning (when is it not?), our surprise pregnancy after one month of marriage, my abrupt exit from “college life” into “MOTHERHOOD” (duh duh duh!), our interviewing and fundraising and preparing to move to Japan, then the actual move, the good-byes, the new culture and life — there was never time for the dust to settle, for me to stop and look at the picture, and so I was left with excuses, I suppose. But now I just know it. My heart just knows it.

I’m waiting, God! What next?

Sidenote(s): I realized that two posts, back-to-back, were entitled “Today,” and I’m ashamed of my lack of creativity.  Also, it’s still raining, been three days now.  They have actually called off school in our area because of potential flooding.  Our house is in a high neighborhood, Mom — no worries.

Today was a laid-back day.  I slept in till about 8, and Bryan was already downstairs making coffee.  We read on the couch in our pajamas for a while, enjoying the silence and some good ole’ joe.  Jones woke up at 9, and we walked in the rain to Joy Fellowship at 10 — I got to wear my new green rain boots.  (Its been raining solid for 2 days now.)  After lunch: Jones went down for his nap, we watched a movie and read, opened the windows to smell and listen to the rain, I took a catnap.  Jones slept FOREVER — the peace and quiet, the rain, the laying around and reading.. all of it was DElicious.  So was the Starbucks we had after Jones woke up.  We spent the remainder of the day at Apita, enjoying coffee and chasing Jones around, getting some groceries on the side.

Here are Jones and I, toasting to a prosperous marriage for Melynda and Billy, my friends who were probably just leaving their wedding reception in St. Louis when we snapped this pic.  I love you, Mel, and I wish I was there with you!  I cried in the car, feeling so sad to miss this moment of your life — you have been a complete gem to me about it all, always encouraging and making me feel special and wanted, though I couldn’t be there.  Despite sadness, I felt peace, the kind only God can give in the midst of wanting something and not getting it — the peace of knowing you’re right where you’re supposed to be.  I have that today, and that is good.

Jones:  “Word up, Bill-dawg — take care of that girl now!”

Its Thursday.  I felt like giving a random poll.  Bring me all your thoughts, good and bad, long and short.

1.  Is your dining room/kitchen table clear or full of things?  What’s on top?
2.  What do you really enjoy about your life right now, this season of it?
3.  Which makes you feel better at the moment:  an evening away from home or an evening in?

My answers:

1.  Its full, and I wish it weren’t.  Per the picture, here’s what’s on top:  my yellow purse, a red cup full of goldfish crackers, canned tomatoes for tonight’s fried rice, Jones’s new (and already dented) SIGG water bottle, a blue hydrangea from next door in my favorite antique vase, a coffee mug from “The Pantry” where we ate breakfast after we were engaged, my glasses, the “Rules of the Road” book for my Japanese drivers test, Bryan’s worship music folder, kleenex, my passport/visa (what’s THAT doing out??), an ancient tape player for Japanese listening, Japanese listening tapes, an electronic dictionary, a pile of books, my day-planner.   That’s much more than I thought when looking at it.

2.  Stimulating my mind with Japanese lessons, and that I’m finally out of the pregnancy/baby brain-fog and I can actually enjoy reading books again — and I feel freedom to peruse to my liking without the self-imposed pressure to finish one book before starting another.  I like to have my hand in five things at once, and I’m learning that’s OKAY!

3.  Right now, an evening out.  An afternoon out.  A day out.  Anything for new sights and sounds, a little change of scenery.  Perhaps its a culture shock thing, maybe a mommy-of-a-toddler thing.  Every once in a while, B and I will drive to downtown Shizuoka (maybe comparable to St. Louis? Chicago? Shiz. city has close to 1 million), pay a ridiculous amount for parking in the cheapest lot available (200yen/hour), and walk around with Jones in the stroller, always having a Starbucks visit somewhere in between our window shopping and park-playing.  Last time, Bryan showed me an area that has all sorts of water fountains in a line, perhaps 6 blocks long.  Very fun.

So Jones is in bed and I should be studying, there were a number of things on my to-do list, but I gave the DLB another new look to add to this season of rejuvenation.  I was thinking today that perhaps I should dress my blog seasonally — light colors for spring and summer, darker for fall and winter — and then perhaps I would be able to rest in knowing a change was approaching without switching it up every month.

Or maybe I should spend my time doing other things.  Like studying.

Maybe posting a to-do list will help things edge over to the “done” side.

Today went a little differently than planned in the last post. I did not go to Excelsior, and it did not rain. (!) I went to Starbucks, and the sky got increasingly cloudier and darker all day. We’ve now been 6 days without rain in Shizuoka, so we’re due — it usually means a loooong nap for Jones, too.

Yesterday, Jones and I went for an afternoon treat at “Thah-tee-won” (or Baskin Robbins). We sat out on their veranda and watched the cars go by. I’d spoon up some ice cream and hand it to Jones, he’d hold and wave at the cars while saying “bye bye!”, then promptly put it in his mouth. He did this maybe 20 times. Too fun!

Our friend Sugi bought a nice, new camera the other day and wanted to take pictures of his favorite toddler.  I’m okay with the first harvest of the summer photo project not actually belonging to me, are you?

It was a good thing mom chose the “spirit” shorts today, because he needed it later when he was run over a by kid playing soccer in the street and smashed his mouth into the ground.  He bled and cried for a few minutes, and that was that.  We took pictures of our bloody shirts when dad got home, and I thought, “I probably wouldn’t have commemorated this moment with pictures if Jones had been a girl.”

Tomorrow is Wednesday, my favorite day of the week, and I think I’m going to spend the afternoon in Excelsior, sitting at my favorite table and sipping an iced almond caramel latte, looking out the window at the rain.  Yes, it’s going to rain tomorrow.  Weather is so different here — I’m used to the fickle Nebraska skies, where clouds mean it might rain in 5 minutes and last for 10, or they might blow away altogether before a drop hits the ground.  Here, clouds come on steadily all day, and if it doesn’t start raining by nightfall, it will usually start somewhere in the middle of the night and last the rest of the next day.  Its rainy season.  We have maybe one sunny day out of three — its kind of a nice change, but my hair and I have agreed that humidity is NOT our thing.

I’m off for my nightly shower.  Can’t stand the stickiness.  But its good for my hygiene, right?

The DLB (dear little blog) is in need of some revival.  Due to several things (tiredness, new language, busy toddler, fried brain, not remembering English words), I’ve been having difficulty putting coherent sentences together in writing recently.  I’ve had plenty of ideas and starter sentences throughout the day — “Oh, wouldn’t that make a grand blog post?” — but they’ve amounted to nil.  The DLB has suffered.  (Have you suffered, too, dear little readers?  I won’t be sad if you haven’t.)

So I’m going to start a little photo project.  A summer photo project, for the rest of this month and next.  Summer is quite different in Japan — hot weather, but school is still in session and there isn’t the propensity toward long holidays, BBQs, and water fun that there is in America.  I’m missing it, so I think it would be good for me to look for the fun things about summer in Japan.  And give my brain a break — posting about a picture is a little easier than trying to describe all thats happening in my heart and life on the other side of the world (especially when I can’t really remember the words for it).

Join me, if you so desire, or just enjoy the pics that come forth.  I’m not promising a daily thing here, just a little rejuvenation.