on a rainy night in october, with less than 20 minutes left in the day, you came.  you were pink and slimy and quiet as you drew your first breath, and i was so happy to be done.  we leaned over you, your daddy and i both with our hands under your body, taking in our first looks of your nose, your mouth, your fingers and your toes.  you were beautiful.

i was certain that you would come late, as your brother was late, and your nana said i was late, and so was your uncle — it was the way of birth in our family, and you were no exception.  twice, i thought you were coming.  twice, i woke up in the middle of the night, experiencing the sensations and pains of your arrival.  once, i called our friend to come be with your big brother at 3am.  once, your father and i walked to pick up gum at the 24-hour convenience store at 4am.  twice, i fell back asleep after contractions stopped and my tears were dried, convinced that you were not coming like i thought you were.

five days after your due date, i woke early in the morning at 5:30a, once again feeling those pains.  they were slightly different, so this time, i was sure. we made the calls.  we packed the bags.  i took my time getting ready, not knowing how long it would be.  i did laundry and washed dishes.  i straightened my hair and put in my contacts.  i brushed my teeth and ate tiny snacks.  at 9am, your dad and brother and i went to a park to play.  i was having contractions 10 to 15 minutes apart, and they were getting stronger.  yes, i thought, this is it.  today, we would meet you — ezra dean.

around 11am, after about five hours of here and there contractions that weren’t too bothersome, we went to get checked at the midwife’s.  i was 4cm dilated. and the contractions had stopped.  so we went for a walk.

your papa and i drove to kendai university and spent a few hours walking its hills, taking in the fall scenery, talking and musing and dreaming.  i even cried a little, which is normal for me these days.  it was a lovely time, but things had completely subsided.  it was 3pm.  perhaps you would not come.

we went home and i talked with a friend on the phone.  i ate a snack and fell asleep, sadness and frustration seeping over my heart.  am i doing something wrong?  why will he not come? at 5pm, i woke up and cried and prayed with your papa.  you would come when the time was right and determined, i wanted to believe it.  i would wait for that time.  God knew when it was, and things were safe in His hands.  i breathed a sigh of relief, knowing it wasn’t my will that made things happen.  our spirits lightened, we set out to fully enjoy the evening.  and we did.

at 6:30p, as we were on our way to eat, i started getting contractions again, only every half-hour.  the midwife wanted us to come after dinner so she could see how things were progressing. by 7:30, they were every 15 minutes, and more intense, and i was beginning to feel very ’serious,’ as they say.  no more small talk. no more laughter. no more playing around.

at 8p, we arrived at the midwife’s, and she checked me — dilated to 6/7cm, and she told me you may come fast, so it would be better to come and stay at her house now.  we dropped off your big brother and our friend at home and returned to the midwife’s, excitement in your papa’s eyes and seriousness in mine, so very ready to meet you.

we listened to music.  we read.  i stopped everything to breathe and survive the contractions.  by 10pm, they were coming every 5 minutes and i could have no noise or distraction in the midst of them.  your papa gently stroked my back and did what he could to encourage me.  you were coming.  you were finally coming.

at 10:45, the contractions were one on top of the other, and i started to make a lot of noise.  the midwife rushed upstairs to help, and at 11:15, with a squeal of pain, my water broke.  i was ready.  i was so ready.

i had been laboring on my hands and knees and was too tired to move, so i started pushing from there and making more noises that sounded strange to my own ears.  i wanted this over.  i wanted to be done.  i wanted you here.  the midwife let your head crown just a little, and would gently push you back inside to help me stretch.  it was painful, and i kept asking your papa, “is he out yet? is his head out?”  finally, she let you make your way, and it was nothing but bliss to finally leave my hands and knees and sit with you in front of me on that october night.

you slid out into your father’s hands, and as i said, we both hovered over you, taking you in.  you were so distinctly you to my eyes.  not like your brother.  you had your own eyes, your own nose, your own hair.  just you.  your papa cut the cord and i took it all in. i could hardly believe the blonde haired, blue eyed babe in my hands was you, and you were mine.

and i was so glad the wait was over.  and you had finally made your way.

welcome, ezra dean, to this life of ours.

simple woman’s daybook

outside my window :: various yard and sandbox toys strewn about, beautiful sunlight

i am thinking :: about the house we’ll be visiting today, being brave enough to watch the video of me pushing ezra into the world (yikes.), and how amazed i am at how much i enjoyed watching “lonesome dove”

i am learning :: to be still and let others do things for me, to read the cues of a new little babe, to breastfeed again

i am thankful for :: the three, wonderful, amazing, fun, kissable MEN in my life, and that the littlest eats like a champ

i am hearing :: the sound of the baby swing putting my kid to sleep (what a magical thing! why didn’t we use this more the first time around?)

i am wearing :: a gray nursing tank, red hoodie, pajama pants, milkbands bracelet

from my kitchen ::  meals from other people

i am reading :: psalm 23, the breastfeeding book, mommy blogs

i am hoping :: that ezra’s eyes will turn out to be blue like his daddy’s

i am creating :: milk

i am praying :: for a clear answer

around the house :: burp cloths, various matchbox cars, a package from my grandma, half-full glasses of water

one of my favorite things :: clear skies that let us catch a glimpse of mt. fuji

a few plans for the week :: to watch a lot of movies, do a lot of nursing, venture to a neighborhood park with two little guys in tow for the first time

its 3:15p, which means its the middle of naptime in the o’donnell house.  jones is upstairs in his bed, and little ezra is sleeping on a cushion pillow on the coffee table. (yes siree, on the coffee table.  in the midst of the running, jumping, and climbing toddler life, i’d forgotten that newborns don’t move. AT ALL. its lovely.)  i’m the only one not napping.  i have been good about the whole “sleep when the baby sleeps” thing this time around, but today i’m enjoying the feeling of a quiet house and the look of the sunlight playing on our wood floor.  hubby is on his way home from an afternoon spent studying, and i think i will make us lattes.  it was my plan to spend the entire day on the couch, refusing to answer the calls of various household tasks, watching movies with jones and nursing ezra, getting up for snacks or meals or juice refills whenever necessary.  so far, so good.  so i think i can get up to make lattes.

with a new baby in the house, i feel nothing close to normal, but all is well.  perhaps on some other afternoon, the story of ezra’s arrival will make its way to these pages.

off to comfort the little babe.

ezra dean o’donnell finally decided to enter the world!
october 22, 11:40pm
6 lbs 13 oz, 19.5 inches

he looks like his big brother when he was born, only about one whole pound lighter and with BLONDE hair! he’s cute as a button and has been very kind to his mommy, sleeping lots and letting me get good rest.  i must say that the japanese midwife clinic experience has been AMAZING.  i found out today that only about 1% of japanese women give birth in clinics like this, as most go to the hospital.  i have much to say about the birth and my time, but it will wait for another day.  right now i’m going to stroke some soft, little cheeks and catch some rest!

overdue: 4 days
false alarms: 2

it was hard to get up this morning. yesterday, i had contractions all day.  they weren’t entirely regular, but for a few intervals of time, they were.  and they were getting stronger.  i was feeling prepped, so i took a few walks and did some stairs in our neighborhood, hoping to get things going.  i went about my usual daily tasks, trying to remember that the beginning and end of this labor wasn’t in my hands.  then when the contractions puttered out around bedtime, i thought, “okay.. not today.” i snuggled up to bryan and peacefully fell asleep. (after turning the fan on to drown out the noise of all the BUGS in our neighbor’s garden.)

but THEN… i woke up at 1am feeling weird.  i went to the bathroom and fell back asleep.  then i woke up again at 2:15am, feeling a good amount of pain.  the contractions bothered me so much that i had to get up and go downstairs, bringing hubby with me.  i was a little freaked out because they were so strong, so suddenly — we turned on some music and bryan sat with me so i could calm down.  he closed his eyes next to me on the couch and i timed them — between 7 and 4 minutes apart.  around 3:15, we called the midwife to let her know and decided to stay home till they were more regular.  i emailed our friend mandy (by phone), telling her i was in labor and asking if she wanted to come over now or when we were leaving for the midwife’s.  she decided to come then.  in between contractions, i sent some emails home, since it was the middle of the day in America.

at around 3:45am, mandy arrived.  shortly there after, all contractions abruptly stopped. no puttering out or anything — they just stopped altogether, the last one virtually the same intensity level as the first.  bryan and i went for a 4am stroll to the 24-hour convenience store for gum to see if it would get things going again, walking a copious amount of stairs to get home.  about halfway home, i crumpled onto the stairs and started crying.  “i’m tired,” i said.  “and i was so excited to be in labor.  and i emailed everyone. and i called mandy over.  and now it just stopped.”

i love my husband. he is a champ, and i am so happy to do life with him. he sat next to me while i cried and didn’t flinch when i wiped my nose with my sleeve.  real love.

we got home around 4:30, and i sent a few “oops” emails.  we crawled into bed while mandy settled in on the red couch (her favorite spot).  we slept, and then we slept in.  bryan got up and made pancakes while i stayed in bed.  he sent jones in to say “morning mama!” and give me hugs and kisses.  we had a good, full breakfast, and bryan and mandy left.  jones and i hung around in our PJs for a while, watching “the wiggles.”  later, we went to a park we rarely visit, just the two of us, playing by ourselves and enjoying the cool breeze for a few hours.  while he climbed in and out of various equipment, i made it a point to say out loud what i was thankful for today.

..thankful for the way the sunlight was coming through the clouds.

..thankful that i felt so comfortable and cool in the weather.

..thankful that i had a friend who said i could call her to come over at 3am, 10 days in a row, and she wouldn’t care.

..thankful that my only worry surrounding the birth of baby boy is “when.”

..thankful that i didn’t have to cook breakfast, lunch, or supper today.

..thankful for a man who is a real man, and makes me feel like a woman.

..thankful for a God who knows the timing of all things and isn’t surprised by ‘false alarms.’

..thankful that, in one way or another, we will meet this baby boy in 10 days or less.

so for an update: i have my weekly appointment with the midwife tomorrow.  she’ll let me know what’s going on inside, make sure the babe isn’t getting too big, check all the pregnancy vitals, etc.  i suppose we will probably discuss a little bit of ‘the plan’ — which is that if i get to 42 weeks without having gone into labor on my own, she will transfer my care to the local hospital and i will have to go to be induced.  naturally, since we chose to give birth at the midwife’s clinic, its what i would prefer — but i feel at peace with either option.  meeting this little guy still feels rather dream-like, especially after a few false starts, and i feel myself beginning to wonder if it will actually happen.  i suppose this is normal.  praying to maintain a thankful heart.

due date countdown: 2 days.

found this myers-briggs mothering article — immensely enjoyed it and thought i’d pass it along.  i’m the “know-thyself mother” (INFJ).

doing better today.  decided last night i was going to stop the worrying and waiting by attempting to just do a normal day — i’ve been rather productive and feel a bit like i’m nesting again.  went to the midwife with jones this morning — she checked my cervix and said its soft but still high.  in other words:  “keep squatting, climbing stairs, and walking on rocks and sand.. you’re baby will probably be late!”

i talked with my mom the other day.  apparently, she was induced two weeks after her due date when pregnant with me.  my brother was about 10 days late.  really hoping this dude decides to make his entrance prior to week 42, or i can’t give birth at the clinic — at that point, i’d have to be admitted to the local hospital and give birth there instead, which is a bit more freaky for me to think about.  don’t know anything about the hospital, its procedures, etc.

bryan and i are settling in for the short-but-feels-long haul, i suppose

due date countdown: 3 days.

i’m so bored.  it wasn’t that bad until my braxton-hicks kicked it up a notch yesterday and started coming pretty regularly, every half-hour or so.  they were accompanied by a sudden burst of energy and a few other “end of pregnancy” symptoms that really don’t need mentioned here.  i went to bed last night, wondering if i’d be woken up in the middle of the night, ready to have a baby.  restless sleep. wide awake at 6a.  no contractions.

got ready to start the day.  its our day off, and this usually means that jones and i hang in the morning and i take off in the afternoon for some time away.  i opted for the morning today, just so i could take a nap when he naps if i really wanted to.  driving to a breakfast place, started having contractions (pretty certain they are still braxton-hicks) every 15 minutes.  wondering.  excited.  after an hour and a half, they went to every 10 minutes.  then they stopped.  annoyed.

went for a walk, trying to keep up with whatever was going on in my uterus.  still having some contractions, but only every 30 to 45 minutes.  then they stopped altogether again.  thoroughly annoyed and ready for some ice cream.  slightly discouraged. i thought i was going to get away without having these feelings of restlessness and impatience, but — alas — its the condition of the human heart.

its now 2p, and i’m still having random contractions, getting a little more intense, but not closer together or patterned.  i think i’m in it for the long haul, perhaps a week or more of this nonsense.  Lord, give me patience!  the worst part of it is that it leaves me with a desire to do nothing at all but be ready for labor — cooking? reading? feeding myself? putting things away? finding some sort of distraction? not on my life.  pushing through this oh-so-boring time!

official due date countdown: 6 days.

this afternoon, my boys packed up and drove off with our neighbors for a little camping excursion.  i opted to stay home, for obvious reasons. (getting up off of the ground twice in the middle of the night to go searching for a camping restroom didn’t sound too appealing, though the time away in nature and time with good friends was hard to pass up!)  some out-of-town friends who are my age but still single just stopped by to pick something up at our place before heading off to a concert together.  as i waved goodbye to them, i thought how interesting it was that we were all planning to have ‘fun’ tonite, but my ‘fun’ was decidedly different and perhaps even not-so-fun to the ‘unmothered eye.’ here’s what i’ve already done and/or plan to do in my 24-hours to myself.

• go NOWHERE. leave only if i have to. stay put.
• clean up, start a load of laundry, do the dishes, and put all the toys away (i.e. declutter so my mind can relax!).
• make cinnamon rolls (i.e. bake for the heck of it).
• take a long bath. shave my legs (if i can reach them!). do my hair.
• walk up to a point in our neighborhood that overlooks the ocean and sit, ponder, pray.
• keep the house as quiet as possible (i.e. no annoying gadgets, noises, screams, or unnecessary cartoons playing in the background).
• watch a movie by myself. (my over-the-top-extrovert husband simply cannot fathom WHY this would be fun for me.)
• go to bed early.
• wake up early.
• sit in the early, quiet hours, knowing i have nothing to do, no one to wake, and no one to feed but myself.
• read something thoughtful or fun.
• ask God to speak to a few areas that have been troubling me.
• write. journal. pray.
• if i wasn’t pregnant and coffee didn’t sound gross at the moment, i’d probably drink a pot or two.

if you had 24 hours without your usual responsibilities, how would YOU spend it??

official due date countdown: 9 days.

oh dear me, i’ve started counting.  i really didn’t want to do it, but it’s already up there and typed and all and … it’s begun.  the waiting, waiting, waiting.  i’m biting my lip as i type this, but … i’m bored.  i wondered today, “is it feasible for the mother of a rowdy 2.5 year old, living abroad, studying language and such to say that she’s bored?”  well, regardless … i am.   i’ve been doing lots of nothing-to-do snacking, along with starting books, movies, and projects that fail miserably at holding my attention.  so then i’m back to the basic three:  jones, laundry, and cooking.  (i find it rather ironic that in the moments surrounding baby’s birth, my boredom will slip away and be replaced by the ‘will i ever get anything done?’ mantra.  i’m certain that feeling overwhelmed is in my near future.)

but i also feel blessed in my boredom.  i haven’t felt overwhelmed or overly tired in weeks, and jones has been absolute bliss.  he’s been repeating our phrases a lot (things like, “its a big deal!” and “this one goes here”), which is more-than-charming.  and during the day, he’s been rather calm and tranquil — today, we were watching a seasame street counting video, and he came and laid his head in my lap and stayed there for a good fifteen minutes.  he’s been very snuggly and has been playing well by himself, allowing me the extra time needed for my cook/rest/cook/rest dinnertime routine.  i’m the grateful recipient of a supernaturally slowed-down toddler.  this has been well-timed, and i thank God.

i’m thinking that my posts will become rather boring, as well, since my only fodder is the ‘basic three’ mentioned above.  they might all start to sound the same (or have they already?).  brainwaves are few and far between, which is not my design, so i can’t do much about it.   hopefully real thinking will resume once the waiting is over and this babe is in my arms!

praising Jesus that i still feel content with where i am .. waiting, but not desperate.  this, too, is a well-timed gift.  i receive it gladly.

its been raining for two days straight, all throughout the night even (with a few intermittent pauses).  supposedly it will continue through thursday.  it makes our house cozy.  i’ve been wanting to bake more and eat soups and homemade breads, though my body has a kitchen-time-limit that’s reached rather quickly.  last week sometime, i stumbled upon a relaxing daily rhythm for this stage of pregnancy, and the rain has settled it into my mind and body.

..waking naturally and hanging out in bed for a half hour.
..doing the ‘need to be dones’ before lunchtime, which is really only the essentials at this point — laundry, baking, general pick up.
..lighting a candle and taking a cat nap after little dude goes down.
..reading, reading, reading..
..thinking, thinking, thinking..
..taking a nightly bath to relax before putting J to bed.

i want to add praying for baby and birth.  truth be told, i am a worry wart and find that i’m getting more anxious for the birth experience as it gets closer.  its interesting, isn’t it, that we can know God and know He’s trustworthy, but must still practice the act of giving things over to Him?  i feel as if i must physically hand Him my fears connected to birth and labor. then He will take them and the spirit will remind me that i am not alone and that its all planned out, i just need to rest and trust and do my daily thing.

i hope these days will be peaceful.