my boys. (and some seriousness.)

my boys. i can’t believe i have boyS — plural.  two kids.  its started to make me feel old — somehow i could still be young and carefree having only one child, but now i just feel tired and forgetful and busy and 0h-so-very ADULT.  i feel old, and i’m only 25. (!)  i keep having flashback memories of looking at my baby pictures as a child and thinking my parents were big and old. (naturally.. to a five year old, they are old.)  and its strange for me to think that now I AM the mom in those pictures. WEIRD.  i can’t have two kids!  i have two kids??  yes i do.  and here they are, the cutest little boys.. 😉

my little bug. i LOVE the way he smells. i sometimes call him ‘ezra bean’ because it rhymes with ‘ezra dean’ — how clever am i? i’m trying to revel in the things that make him a baby: the night-waking, the nestling into my neck, the short 45-minute naps, the crying to be held. it will all be over too quickly, and he will be racing cars and jumping off of slides with his big brother.

my favorite almost-three-year-old EVER! he has been singing songs lately.  i especially enjoy his version of ‘jesus loves me’ (somehow a question got stuck in there): ‘yes yes jesus love is me?? oh the BIIIIIII-ble…’  (and of course, he drums while he sings.)

i cried as i went to bed last night, talking with bryan about how jones used to be this tiny little baby, and then all of a sudden, he’s almost three.  he’s running around and singing songs and going to sleep on his own and greeting me in the morning with a hearty, ‘good MORNING mom!’  he has his own preferences and ideas, he can get his own drinks, he plays pretend.. and it freaks me out.  i know they are supposed to grow up, but the more he grows, the less control i have over his life, his body, his little heart, and it’s scary.  handing him over to God, even in little steps, is so very very hard.  someday he will leave, like he’s supposed to, and i’m praying that the crying and processing i’m doing now will make that day easier.  i don’t want to live in fear over what i can’t control, but rather live with hope and excitement for all the different phases of life — even the one where he leaves my home for good to do something brave and wonderful on his own. i want to push him into what God has in store and root out anything in my heart that opposes that.  i never knew being a mom would be so intimate, lovely, and painful all at once.

if you can’t tell by my words, i’m feeling rather serious and sober today.  some would call it melancholy.  but it really isn’t.. i told bryan that i’m just a realist, and that being a realist can push you in one of two directions:  to pessimism or to a ‘carpe diem’ type life.  i’m reaching for the latter — seize the day, because it will go fast.

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5 thoughts on “my boys. (and some seriousness.)

  1. I understand. I’ve been through this grieving process first hand this year, and have made it. Right now my “baby” is in LA for 10 days with her boyfriend’s family. Sigh.
    BUT…my relationship with my girls isn’t the same as they grow older, but very, very sweet, and just as rewarding as babyhood. Really! In some ways, maybe, sweeter.
    When my girls get married, I will gain sons. More kids to love, and lift up to the Father. I can already tell this will be so very rich.
    When my girls have babies, I know I’ll be smitten. Being a faithful grammie, who helps her family in any way she can, passing on the faith to a new generation. Priceless.
    God planned it this way, and it is good.
    Releasing our kids into God’s hands is necessary. Knowing we are not responsible for their salvation, but just to be a faithful parent, is freeing.
    Moving through different phases of life can be hard, and there are points of grieving, but I see God’s hand.
    You will, too.

  2. Amen to what Jen said. God planned it this way, and it is GOOD.
    I am loving having two new sons to add to the other four! And a grandbaby soon!
    Basically, from the time the child is born, the parent’s job is to let go of them. To help them grow and mature and learn and do things by themselves; to eventually have them leave, and impact the world themselves.
    Control of them (or situations in their lives) has very little to do with it all. 🙂
    Your family is beautiful, and so are you.
    And being a bit melancholy and thoughtful is okay, too.
    From another melancholy…

  3. totally with ya on this one too jame! i have those days a lot where i can’t believe how time is going so quick. that is part of the reason why we will homeschool- not to keep them in our home and protect them.. but more of because we want to build a foundation.. they AREN’T here that long.. i know it’ll be hard and i know i will get frustrated but it’s worth it!

  4. I’ve been trying to take mental snapshots each time Livia and I cuddle together. I’m trying to remember the way her small body feels against mine, all warm and soft and sometimes a bit stinky. It IS bittersweet, this growing up business. I want it both ways, the little and the big enough to, say, get dressed quickly when I tell her to. ; )

    I love reading Jen and Kerri’s encouraging words, too. Thanks, ladies.

  5. What painful and beautiful thoughts, friend. I can’t imagine how much motherhood both fills up and rips out your heart, over and over again. But what a good gift of the Lord!

    I am thankful for those two precious weeks I was able to spend to get to know your sweet boys; just a little snapshot of their young lives. You are a wonderful mother, Jamie. Love you!

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