intoxicating free time.

jones took a bento to youchien today for the second time.  the kids in this youngest class are slowly working their way up to a 2p ending time, with a few days ending before lunch, and a few days ending at 1p.  saying goodbye in the morning as he heads off with his papa and hanging at home until i go to pick him up is a mixture of strange, sad, and wonderful.

to have this kind of free time is a little intoxicating — i don’t quite know what to do with myself, after spending most of my days the last two years chasing Jones around the neighborhood, playing in nearby parks, setting up train tracks, and deflecting a million requests for candy and snacks.  i feel as if i must do something ‘really important’ with this time, and i can hardly believe that at one point, my life used to consist of just taking care of myself.

(although some might not consider time with a 7-month-old to be ‘free time,’ its a heck of a lot easier to take care of this almost-crawling baby than his fast and furious big brother!)

today, that ‘really important’ stuff is watching some tv online while folding laundry and eating kettle corn.  (ooo..)  i also took a shower before i put ezra down for his nap and did the dishes.  little has changed about what i’m doing during the day, i suppose — more the manner in which i’m able to do it.  nice and SLOW.. and in the QUIET.

i haven’t quite given myself full permission to really enjoy this quieter time in the house yet.  i’m still wondering in my heart if i’m giving enough for jones if he isn’t home with me all day.  oh Lord, please answer this question soon! i’m getting tired of asking it, and its sort of tainting my enjoyment.

*sigh* i didn’t know being a mom would be so hard.  and i also didn’t know i would be the mom who had a hard time letting go, if even a little at a time.  after all, i keep reminding myself he’s only three and not moving away from home or anything.. but then i think, “oh, he’s only three! he doesn’t need to be away from me yet..”

i’m tired of being emotional.  it sucks.

the quiet house, however, is nice. 🙂

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3 thoughts on “intoxicating free time.

  1. Jamie, just enjoy the time to yourself and with Ezra. Life with 2 boys does not leave much free time so it is ok to look forward to it. As much time as you spend with Jones and the amount of love you give him there is no reason to feel guilty (although I know you will anyway). You are a caring person and that seems to be one of the burdens of a caring person. I have felt that way too. Compare that to some parents who truly do not care and I think you will be fine with continuing as the caring one that you are.
    Love
    Mike and Dixie

  2. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy your free time. And then enjoy your time with Jones at your heels. These are the moments… : )

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