you woke up again last night, like always, except i didn’t get to bed early enough to have slept some before you awoke.  so i was mad, really, that i hadn’t even closed my eyes before you started crying, and you were really crying. i never did figure out why you decided to wail for a half-hour, but as i sat in the rocking chair with you on my lap, i fumed about not this one night, but all of the nights that you woke multiple times, for which i have no reason.  and i thought about how long it had been since i’d had a full night’s rest, and i sort of thought-prayed, “God, when will he get it? why will my child NOT sleep?”  after you had nursed yourself into deep sleep again, i laid you back in your crib and huffed off to the bathroom, frowning and trying not to stomp like a child.  in the bathroom, it clicked.

i don’t lean on sleep.  i lean on jesus.

you don’t sleep well yet because i need you to not sleep well.  i want to feel rested, it helps me make it through the day, and you have totally obliterated that. i worry and i stew and i get frustrated, but i don’t go to jesus.  i have failed (as of yet) to learn the lesson, so God makes it continue, because its important — missing sleep important.

i went back into the room we share — your daddy, you, and i — and covered you with a thin blanket.  i prayed this time not for sleep, but for remembering where to go when i’m tired and needy.  i prayed to stop trusting in myself, in a well-planned schedule, in energy or hours of sleep or time alone, but to trust in God, my refuge and strength.  ah, i thought, so this is what that means.

and then you went and slept till morning.


4 thoughts on “ezra.

  1. Great post. I totally relate. Unfortunately I am slow at learning this lesson. With Silas a few months ago, I remember thinking, “ok, this is a test, I need to trust God, not get angry, etc.” As the crying continued, I lost it and screamed, “Lord, I don’t want to learn contentment, I just want sleep!” 🙂 I do think the wakings at night are great trials that have potential to lead us to the Lord. I so often fail though. Thankfully, though, (and I say this as encouragement, not with an ounce of pride) that I have been doing better lately, thanks to God. My 3 year old is now waking regularly between 2-3 am and keeps me up anywhere from 15 minutes to over an hour while my just turned 2 year old wakes now between 5:30-5:45. I haven’t blown up or lost it. All that to say, if the Lord can change me and I can sense a difference in my spirit, feel encouraged He will do the same for you. I just hope you are quicker to learn and don’t have your 2 and 3 year olds still waking at night! 🙂

  2. i just found your blog through a link on someone else’s blog and i just wanted to thank you for sharing honestly about the exact same situation we are experiencing here with our 9 month old little girl, Ruth. what’s even more interesting is that it seems like we had the same epiphany around the same time. my husband and i were at our breaking point and God showed us the same thing – that we needed Him more than we’d ever need sleep. And that our peace and comfort would come from drawing close to Him in these hard times. So now when Ruthie wakes up, I thank Him for the chance to hold and cuddle her and drink it all in b/c she’s only gonna be little for so long and I need to enjoy every moment of it while I can.

  3. This is so good, Jamie. I have thought of this post often the past few weeks, as Andrew has been out of town, and I find myself in the rocker with Adeline yet again in the middle of the night, thinking how I need sleep, how I won’t be able to do the next day by myself, how I wish she’d just sleep through the night…the Spirit has brought your words to mind at those times, using them to remind me that I NEED Him, not sleep or help or a baby who sleeps through the night. Thanks for writing, friend.

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