dreaming and motherhood.

for a while now, i’ve been engulfed in what i’d like to call “the mommy hole,” where things other than night-wakings, food introductions, tantrums, and potty training have been outside my realm of thinking.  strangely, entering my second trimester of my third pregnancy, i’m beginning to climb my way out of the hole and remember that “mommy” is not the only badge i wear.  and how good this feels!

i think sometimes, as dedicated mothers, we can make a home out of the hole, put up pretty pictures and trinkets, serve good coffee and yummy snacks, and begin to think that the hole was what we’ve been moving toward our whole (haha!) lives.  and it can feel sad, but we aren’t sure why, because it is a good thing we are doing.

the analogy breaks down in that i’m not intending to compare motherhood to a hole.  (yikes, that could get me in trouble.)  but there is this phase of all-consuming motherhood, where we are thrown into the care of a little being, trying desperately to get back on our feet again, but can’t imagine a life other than the moment-to-moment craziness of little babies and toddlers.  and then sometimes, if that’s all we can imagine, we can get trapped into thinking its all we should imagine.  and we give up hope that our lives will ever mean more than poop-wiper and food-maker.

i think we are better moms when we remember the great dreams of God that we are a part of — when we recognize that being a mommy is one of the most important things we will do, but not THE most important.  then we can call to our children to come along with us, and help lead them into the vast, spacious place that is the grace and calling of God. (wow, can i be more vague? but i hope you get a taste of what i’m thinking here..)

these thoughts have had a profound effect on me in the past weeks.  i’ve started to dream again, and think about how i was made and how God wants to use me outside my precious family — or how He intends to use our family.  and its exciting.  and i feel free.  and i’ve felt more release and freedom in loving my boys, as well.

perhaps i’ll be metaphorically stoned for saying so, but i think we are selling ourselves short as christian parents if our thoughts of ministry and bringing hope to the lost stop with our children.  they are a such a worthy investment, but i don’t believe they should be our only investment.

or perhaps everyone else already thinks these things, they just seem new and novel as i’m reaching level ground again, realizing somewhat for the first time that i can really only love my boys fully when offering my life not to them, but to Jesus.


3 thoughts on “dreaming and motherhood.

  1. Amen. I think you really hit the nail on the head in the last sentence–” I can really only love my boys fully when offering my life not to them, but to Jesus.”

    No stones coming from this corner. 🙂

  2. hear hear! loved the post. it’s hard to talk about such things – the love/hate experience of motherhood (not a love/hate with the little children, but a love/hate with the work, the isolation it necessitates, the shifting of identities). i think having babies and toddlers is a royal ass-kicking and i’m not afraid to say it. i’ve never felt so lost, sometimes. i think you’re arguing that the best way to love your children is to love god more, and that’s so right. you have to reserve a bit of yourself – your heart, your brain, your inner life – for something other than the all-consuming, moment-to-moment life of motherhood. your post is resonating with me like a loudly-rung bell. 🙂 thanks.

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