i’m 34 weeks.
my third child, my first baby girl, is not even born yet, and i’m already wondering if i’ll ever have time again. time to write. time to email. time to feel rested. its strange to sit on the couch for an hour at night, “resting,” but with your mind still running at full speed, thinking about meals and to-dos and what the next day might look like — it ends up to be rather counterproductive.
i’m hoping i can concede to the later weeks of pregnancy and just give up on the things that are left to be done — this so i might sleep, read, sit with my two boys rather than run around like crazy, belly protruding and back aching, nesting with fury. all of my “have tos” and “must dos” — i think the only way i will ever rest again, even when my babies aren’t babies anymore, is to learn to let go of the things that seem so pressing. my goodness, who ever thought that would be such a hard task? just ‘fogetta bout it’, right? well, i can physically NOT do the things i’ve planned to do, all the while still thinking about them and feeling bad that i’m not getting them done. i can quickly and easily see many ways that this action of “letting go” of my perfectionist mentality might bear fruit in my life — more rest, ability to notice and enjoy the small things, simpler worship, hearing that still small voice, surviving small children with my heart intact.
i never knew life (as in, life with children) would require so much from me. i never knew all the things i’d learn in mothering. oh dear me, i’ve been experiencing something lately, a feeling that this third child will only be the beginning for me, that there is more on the horizon — more work, more weariness, more joy, more laundry, more smiles, more children. and yet, there has been so much already — how can i only be starting, Lord? are you serious? there has already been so much dying to self, so much sleeplessness, so much laundry and meals and illness, so much hyper boy activity, so much climbing and falling, so much failing, and so much growth.. so much growth! and yet, that’s the distinct impression i get when i think about what’s next, about how this baby will affect our lives. i feel the Spirit saying, “you’re just at the beginning, Jamie.” and i know that He’s speaking to a journey that will last my lifetime, of which my children are a part. someone encouraged me recently to remember to think of my children as blessings in the way that they expose my sin and allow God to get to the heart of it quickly, so healing and restoration can follow. there are new ways for me to be stretched, new ways for me to grow.. forever, i suppose.
well, a little less than six weeks to go. i’m eager to meet her, i keep having dreams about holding her in my arms. will she have brown hair, or blonde? brown eyes, or blue? seeing her brothers, its a complete toss up.
Lord, gird me for what’s coming! give me strength from your word. thank you that these children, all three, are teaching me to lean upon You like nothing else ever would.