when i made the above header back in september, i paused just before i typed out “september 2011”, wondering if it was really smart for me to put a date on something like that.  then it would have to be changed, like, in a month.  and then the month after that, too.  clearly, i made the wrong decision.

yes, it’s november now. holy cow, soooooo much has happened.  my baby boy turned TWO, for starters.  ezra is a white-blonde, repeat-anything-you-say, jump-from-any-surface powerhouse.  the boy is STRONG. we’ve been saying for about a year now that whenever he leaves the toddler stage, his big brother better watch out — ezra will definitely win more fights than he loses.

we’ve also gone through bronchitis, tonsillitis, and a sinus infection for jones, which had him laid up for over a week.  (it was pretty sad.)  and then we got immunized and caught colds at the doctor’s office.  ezra first, then harper, then jones (again).  and i have reports that dad is next on the list.  i’m loading up on vitamin C, hopeful that i might evade it — it was a nasty fever/cough kind of bug, and i would just rather not.

now on to self-analysis part of why i haven’t written in two months: after i have babies, i don’t feel right/normal/happy until they are about 10 months old.  i sort of feel lost in a cloud, and my thoughts don’t really shoot straight.  this (plus the normal demands of life with three kids) makes it incredibly difficult to feel inspired enough to write.  after my first baby, this was quite shocking, and i cried often and with great drama: what’s wrong with me? what have i become? will i ever be myself again? is this what life after kids will always be like? why didn’t anyone tell me?  then it just sort of … disappeared.  and i thought i owed it to all sorts of life changes i had made.  but then the fog descended again after my second birth, and lifted again right around 10 months postpartum.  this time, i was prepped for it.  i know what normal is for me, i suppose, but it doesn’t make it enjoyable.  i guess you could say i’m waiting it out.  (does that mean i’ve given up?)  i’m waiting to be inspired again.

anyone else out there have a similar experience? i’m trying to be gracious with myself, and part of that is enjoying (attempting to, anyway) the baby phase to the fullest.  man, is it ever FLYING BY.  harper evelyn will be five months in a few days!

then again, if i could just sleep through the night for more than two consecutive times, maybe this would all just fade away..

5 thoughts on “yikes.

  1. I remember feeling very much the same way after my first was born. I’m only on Number 2 – he’s due this month – but I hope I’m a little more prepared this time. And yes, I think much of it has to do with the lack of sleep, which is very, VERY hard. Hang in there! 🙂

    And I’m Rachel from Panoramic Playground – http://panoramicplayground.blogspot.com. Nice to meet you, and I’m so glad I came across your blog through the Memos! I look forward to reading more of your posts.

  2. Jamie, I really think we need some pictures of your kids:) Or do I have to join facebook for that:) Amazed Ezra is 2 and Harper already 5 months!

  3. dear friend….don’t be dishearted it is so very normal to feel this way!! i’m experiencing the same thing…kate 4month from 4yrs ezra turning 2 in the begining of october and ms anna who is just shy of 6months…..i wish we could have had a recording of m2m we discussed post partumn depression it was so so so good to hear about!! i do struggle most days to keep my head above water but thanks be to Jesus for He’s here and receives numerous pleas from this momma!! i know this probably isn’t encouraging but be assured your not alone and yes Jesus is right here!!

  4. jamie! like tasha said, you are SO not alone. i am at a little different point, being that my youngest is now nearly 2 1/2, and i can say that it does change. it does look different, and you do eventually get to sleep all through the night. consecutively. : ) there are times in our life when we just have to pray for God’s mercy that He helps us through, knowing that we aren’t thriving, but we are experiencing Him in a way we wouldn’t otherwise.

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