walking by faith: small or big families?

i’ve always wanted a big family. when we got married, we were talking five or six kids. (naivety!) now i know i shouldn’t go making decisions about this kind of stuff when i’m knee-deep in the you-know-whatty part of parenting. i can’t count how many times i’ve heard that three is the roughest it will get — and this from TWO moms of seven. (and yes, they are japanese! though, you may feel free to add your two cents at any time, kerri. in fact, i rather wish you would!) but i’ve been thinking about this recently, nonetheless.

through the dive into my thoughts and intentions, i’ve discovered that there is some form of pride attached to my desire for a big family — perhaps a success thing? a “watch-me, see-what-i-can-do” thing? an utterly misconceived notion that i could earn more (of what, i don’t know) if i “did” more as a mom? (more babies = more self-sacrifice.) i’m not entirely certain, but for the first time today, i realized it might be more of a step of faith for me to have a smaller-than-i-expected family than a large one — faith by way of trusting God that my belief is enough, He doesn’t need anything else from me.

i’m still musing over all of this, and completely surprised by the realization that i have apparently placed part of my worth as a parent into how many kids i could raise, like points on a scoreboard. this, while my littlest, yet a baby, plays with the phone and laughs animatedly at me when i turn her way from the computer screen.  9 months is quite magical.

Lord, lead me in truth. You oppose the proud, but give grace to the humble.  make me the latter! what tough work it is to believe.

 

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4 thoughts on “walking by faith: small or big families?

  1. Pingback: Some thoughts on family size « Absolutely speechless

  2. I love your honesty because I have an internal scoreboard that constantly points to failure. But that’s because I’m doing math without the Savior’s involvement. Fuzzy math indeed. I have lots of conclusions in my soul that are false—this is certainly not the only one. Only after decent reflection and vocalizing it can I realize that this is not Truth, that this is not how God thinks!

  3. You can make that three moms warning you of the potential catastrophe ahead, with three little ones. I’m right there with you, Jamie, though my circumstances of weighing more children or no is centered around the potential for life-threatening consequences to me being pregnant again. It’s so good to hear your honest words of wrestling through this, and encourages me that I’m not the only one. You named a lot of what I’ve been feeling but unable to name. Thank you!

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