while i meant everything that i wrote yesterday — and indeed, i deeply felt it — it is no coincidence to me that today i have struggled mightily and have felt great sadness over where i have been placed in life.
somewhere in the middle of the day, i chuckled when i remembered this line:
paul was right, he had experienced it: there is nothing that compares to knowing Jesus, and sharing in the fellowship of His sufferings. and i’m going to write it down and record it, make a stone of remembrance for the trials that are ahead in life: “it’s true! He showed you, jamie, and He will show you again. today, you know — experientially know — the truth that Christ surpasses all, and you will believe that with faith in the times when it doesn’t seem possible.”
well.. i can say honestly that i didn’t think i would need that stone the very next day! it is no surprise to me that God will challenge me to put the things i say to use, to refine them further and see how serious i am in my resolve. but really, God? the next day? give me a week, at least!
today has been depressing, for no other reason except that sometimes a mixture of boredom, being human, and the small barbs of life can make you feel sad. and then comes the battle between the desire to escape the sadness, or the will to feel it, live in it, and hand it over. i myself am prone to escapism: internet, books, movies, snacking, going out — anything to find a bit of distraction from the downer feelings. the kicker, however, is that when i run to these things as way of getting away from the truth, they lose all their luster and enjoyment. i’m slowly finding that the only cure is to allow myself to be sad, with its darkness and even boredom, and turn to God in the midst of it.
the truth: life as a human is hard. and while at times i will easily say its worth it (yesterday), there are other times where those words are more difficult to agree with (today). i don’t understand how, but i think that God will be honored by our clumsy and cluttered attempts at living well in our “todays”, even when they are sad ones.