a little piece of me.

i’ve been struggling lately. i’m tired. i’m overwhelmed. i’m human. i want real communion with God, but my pride reminds me how utterly weird it is to be in love with Something you can’t see. i also think about the times i’ve had such sweet fellowship with the Lord, and they were times when i had much freedom — which is so NOT now in my life. so i shove the desire away.

well, shove it away often enough, and it will leave your heart for good.  your life will turn dull, lose its luster, and you’ll yearn for the desire again.  then you’ll feel bad because you ‘should’ yearn for God and not the desire for God.  you play mind games. you entertain lies. you don’t remember what’s true.

i feel like that’s where i am right now. i want the relationship that corrie ten boom writes about in ‘the hiding place.’ i want to love him and sing to him. i want to quit thinking about my pride, quit attempting to make myself clean, quit trying to change my own heart.  i want to let go. i long for lasting change, not a life of dryness with short spurts of real thirst and real satisfaction.

this is the furthest i’ve gotten at this moment.  i wrote a short poem about it today. i’m sharing that piece of me with you.

___________________________

sunshine dances on my floor,
but my heart is dark.

i pour hot coffee,
sit, think, sip.
heat wisps off the top and
loses itself in the cold air,
vanishing.
gone, no traces left,
like my desire.

i want to want You,
there is so much in the way.
i can’t clean up fast enough,
and i know its not even my job.

i avoid You.

i see the end of myself approaching
and i hope its fast.
my eyes are weary,
my bones are dry,
and i need water.

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10 thoughts on “a little piece of me.

  1. Love you Jamie. I will keep you in my prayers. My heart aches for you because I’ve been there & this stage of life can be a difficult one to fight through it all……

    Good thing about being sequestered for a week….some pretty lengthy prayer time will surround me so I promise to throw up some extras for you. 🙂

    Keep writing. love you.

  2. Just wanted to say that your feelings are very familiar. It is stinkin’ hard to find time, energy and the will to spend great time with the Lord with little ones. I feel like each time I try to put forth more effort, Satan is there to attack. I try to get up before my kids so I rise at 6, nope they get up. Then 5:30, nope the kids get up, 5- nope they get up as well. I fall back into bed in defeat because for heaven’s sake, if the kids are going to continue to get up earlier, there is no point in trying, right? I’ve learned a lot about grace in these 5 years which has produced three children for our family. Add another country in the mix and that makes life even more insane. Sorry it is like this now. I don’t know if it helps or not, but you aren’t alone in these struggles. I have found that doing a bible study helps me. I read a blog the other day where someone said they always do the word of God first because that is the ultimate. I agree, and I used to be that dogmatic, but now I have to extend myself a little grace. I need a bible study because it helps me actually study something. I learn a lot but I don’t have to do as much work. I know that sounds terrible but it’s the truth and it’s what I need with three kids under 5 in Africa while also working at a hospital. so I do it. Don’t know if that would help, but it’s a thought.

    • sheri, i’m so glad you commented 🙂 what bible studies have you been doing? i’m interested in starting something like that, too.. i could use a little help getting into the Word these days.. can you leave your family blog? or email it to me?? jme.ann(at)gmail(dot)com. would love to keep up with you!

  3. Oh, Jamie! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now I feel normal! This season is HARD. There’s nothing like little ones to bring you to the end of yourself, and that is a GOOD thing. Add living overseas and sometimes you feel like you are only surviving rather than truly living. I just started reading The Beautiful Fight by Gary Thomas and it has been VERY encouraging, in case you’re interested. I’d love to send you a copy if you have a hard time getting it there, just let me know!

  4. Thanks for sharing Jamie! So many times I feel like you are in my head. You have a way with words that I don’t. I am right there with you. And like your friend Sheri I have had to extend myself a lot of grace for lack of time with God. I haven’t figured it out yet. I feel like I have never needed God more than I do now as I deal with a 2 yr. old and baby. And I wish I had the same desire that I once had for the Word because I would always be so refershed by it but now I just find it exhausting. Keeping you and your family in my prayers!

    • i’m with you in finding it exhausting! on the days when i am able to get out of bed 20 minutes before everyone else, i find myself sitting downstairs without the mental energy to start something before the boys get up. so then i end up doing something mindless, like putting dishes away, instead..

  5. I was just telling Ash how exhausting it is to be the mommy of little ones. This is a season. The problem may be when we actually have a choice to spend time with the Lord, and we choose other things instead.
    Yearning for a closer relationship with God is a good thing. I hope I always have that yearning, and never get enough.
    Hang in there, dear.
    Don’t dwell on the lies of the Enemy. You are the daughter of the King. He cherishes you and sees your righteousness through Christ’s blood. He will give you the strength to glorify Him.
    Praying.

    • i like you, jen. wish me and my little ones could come hang with you and your ladies 🙂 thank you for reminding me that He will supply what i need to glorify Him. those words were good to read.

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